She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
