god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
