I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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