Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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