Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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