I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
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