I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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