Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
