I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
