I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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