Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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