We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
