My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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