I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
