sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
