PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
