Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
