you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
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