Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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