No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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