Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
