Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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