just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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