discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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