Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
