This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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