I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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