Cold hands, warm shart.
youre lurking in front of me
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
