So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
