I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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