I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
