She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
