fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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