God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
