Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
