Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You took a bar mat shot.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
