I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
