I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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