Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize