i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
