My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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