lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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