just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
