so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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