Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
