Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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