Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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