I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
