so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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