Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
