I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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