woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
